The Wives Page!

Okay, so the Old Man's gone fishing, now whaddaya do?

Well having approached this issue here at R.T.F.I. countless times ourselves, we'd like to offer a few suggestions for all of you "Fishing Widows" out there in the world! We're open to any additional suggestions so if you've got one or two, or twenty five,
send them in, we'll add them to this....

The most comprehensive list of
Fishing Widow Activities
in the World!!!

Thus, first off in the line of goodies you could do while we're gone,
from a man's perspective is -

Go with us! - - - There are, of course, a number of conditions that go with this one! And, this is assuming you are invited! --- It's probably not cool to invite yourself, if the husband doesn't want to take you along. (But... You could, maybe, casually inquire about going along with us, while wearing something real seductive to up the odds!)

You must first however, learn a few of the basic things that one must know to fish, such as the difference between various types of baits........ Like worms and minnows!

Should you not know the difference between the various types of bait, do not express anger or disgust should we correct you, along about the 5th. time you refer to a night crawler (a.k.a. "Worm" by most of the feminine persuasion), as a minnow! There is a marked difference!

A few other prerequisite elements of fishing knowledge may be....

How to cast your line out!

How to untangle the knots you create, if you don't.

How to bait your hook.

How to remove a hook from a fish.

How to remove a hook from a fishing partner, also! (There's a lengthy story concerning this venue of fishing knowledge on the Editorials Page!)

How to drop an anchor overboard!

How to back a trailer, or how to run the boat, one! (This is especially important at crowded boat ramps. And, do not ask or attempt to learn thereupon. That is neither the time, nor the place!)

You must also learn .......

That pink is not always the proper choice of color for your lure! (Although it may work!!)

That in the process of lure selection, simply stating, "Oh, this one's pretty!" Don't count!!

That all of that tackle really is necessary, and serves a purpose! (It's kinda like your make up, your sewing box, your scrap books, or your Tupperware collection!!!)

That Fishing will not be halted for trips to the potty, every time you gotta pee!

And thus, that it may be necessary to restrain bodily functions for eternity, unless you are prepared to utilize the bait bucket as temporary facilities. (We promise not to laugh should the bucket get stuck! Honest...)

Should you be able to stand and pee over the edge of the boat, you can forego the previous 2 items!

You must also learn the value of watching the sun rise, with the morning dew dripping off your nose, and a stiff northeast wind blowing up your shorts, whilst doing 40 mph across a lake, in the fog! (In other words - Freezing your ass off in the morning!) And, then being baked to a crisp by mid-afternoon, all for the sake of trying to outsmart a fish!

Although string bikinis are not required, we do certainly appreciate your wearing them while in the Boat! Such apparel when worn regularly will get you invited on fishing trips more often, because our male fishing partners are not nearly as entertaining when they wear them! (Well on the other hand, maybe they are for some guys! Come to think of it .... that might happen down there in southern California!)


Anyhow..... moving on!... (I was beginning to see visions of my tournament partner, that were not pretty folks!)

When wearing such apparel as that above mentioned, please do not inquire why we keep going around in circles, bouncing over the waves, and smiling. You don't want to know the answer! (And therefore, we would be forced to lie, and tell you we were checking out those fish we just marked on the locator, to spare your feelings.)

And finally... In the Boat is not the place to discuss, the bills, the kids, the car needing repair, the house needing painting, the roof needing to be fixed, or other such unduly painful items. We will obviously forget about them, shortly after the next bite, (if not sooner), and then we'll be in trouble all over again!

(All kidding aside Girls, try it, you just might learn to like it, and it's something you and the Old Man, or the entire family can do, and enjoy together!)

And, since we know you are subject to succumb to our wisdom and insight, albeit far from what you may think right and proper, and quite likely will begin to ask yourself, why you should even remotely contemplate going fishing with us! (Try reading that one aloud, with out taking a breath. Whew!)

We thus offer ..... The Top 10 Reasons To Go Fishing With Your Man!! -

10 -

The kids are at Grandma's, and the peace and quiet will be nerve racking!

9 -

Grandma's at your house, and she'll be nerve racking!

8 -

Your beautician reported, that fresh northern slime works great, as a facial.

7 -

You'll be the envy of everyone at your next Bridge Club brunch, when you tell them you spent the entire day on board a luxury cruise with your husband!

6 -

That randy old fart next door, won't be able to watch you while you're soaking up the sun in your string bikini! (He'll be too busy driving the boat in circles, bouncing over waves, and smiling!)

5 -

You find the aroma of sun block and bug repellent, preferable to that of lotion and perfume.

4 -

You're soap opera won't miss you, and whoever died yesterday, will be back alive tomorrow when you get back to it, so watching it today would have only been a waste anyhow!

3 -

You've always wanted to go pee in a minnow bucket!

2 -

You haven't received your annual quota of sunburn and bug bites for the year, yet!

And, the #1 Reason to go Fishing with your Man!!

1 -

Because you just absolutely love giving us snoose chewing, beer drinking, fishy smelling, hunks, a great big kiss, while we grope your bikini clad backside with worm intestine and fish slime covered hands!!!

BUT ....assuming you just might NOT want to go along with us for some reason or another! You could -

Knit a sweater, or

Bake a cake, or

Scrub the Bathroom, or

Vacuum the hallway, or the whole house for that matter, or

Wash all the Windows, or

Cook Supper, (before we get home, and need the kitchen counter and sink to clean fish), or

Weed the flower beds, or

Mow the Yard, and/or

Mow the neighbor's yard, and/or

Mow the neighbor's, neighbor's yard. (It might be a long fishing trip, and they'd truly appreciate it!), or

Paint the house, or

Write a book. (Maybe even Novel Length!), or

Clean the garage..... (No on the other hand, maybe not clean the garage.... But, then again all of the rods and tackle are out of there! Only the yard tools are left.... yeah on second thought, Go For It!)

Or, if you live on the farm,

Milk the chickens, or          <----- (Just checking to see if you were awake!)

Bale the Hay, or   (Should you be confused.... Milk don't come from chickens Y'all!)

Fix the fence down on the south forty, or

Overhaul the tractor, or

Harvest the 80 out west, or

Go to town for parts, or (Better yet!)

Go to town for beer, (we may need it when we get back), or

Have a lingerie party, (the girls will really appreciate the fish in the sink when we get home!), or...........

Come on guys I need some help here!!!

Send me more suggestions!


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